It's been crazy these last four months. I have gone through 3 cycles of chemo and in 10 days will begin the cycle for the stem cell transplant. Over spring break I am having my stem cells taken and frozen in hopes of doing the transplant right when school is over. Funny thing - I can't wait to have it done because then maybe I will begin to feel like me again.
These last 4 months have been up and down, up and down and up and down. I don't know whether I am coming or going half the time. Every time I think I am ok - oh no - I'm not something happens. I have some kind of effect to a drug or the chemo or I catch a cold or worse I get the flu. I haven't had a fever this whole time - well that is what I thought - until these last three weeks - between the cold and the flu - it just happens. Yesterday of all days - no chemo this week - just a terrible cold that kept me away from school for three days - I was depressed and didn't feel like doing anything. Along with the depression came the cold sweats and chills and I had to change my clothes three times - where did that come from - who knows.
I can't plan anything - every single time I do something happens and I have to change my plans. I hate it. This disease has control and I don't - I want control back.
In February - dummy me - was experiencing cold sweats and chills, couldn't keep my fentynal patch (which is the narcotic for pain) on my body so I thought well let me take it off. DUMB, DUMB, DUMB move - I had it off for three days and went through the worse experience that I could - withdrawal - and oh my I thought it was the end. It wasn't and yes it may seem like I am exaggerating but believe me the way I felt I was ready to say forget this I am done. Finally we figured out the issue, put the patch back on and after about 24 hours I started feeling good. I never realized how much medicine was going through my body and hey that is why I was hurting there was no pain meds to help me. Thank the Lord, they are weaning me off this medicine so I can hopefully manage the pain in other ways throughout the experience.
Flu and cold - shouldn't get it had the flu shot. Hahaha - funny to me - got the flu then got a terrible cold. Who knew that the chemo affected me so much - my immune system is really low and everything that hits me hits me hard. I don't know how to handle it.
I hate not being myself. I hate not having control. I just want it to be over. I want to feel like me again. I hate being a baby - I hate crying - and that seems to be what I do the most. People have said that I am strong - well guess what I don't feel that way. If I was strong I could just pick myself up and go about my day the way I used to. I can't do that anymore. I hate missing school - I hate not being there. To me being a teacher is what I do best - but not this year. I hate not being involved and I feel that I let people down. I feel like a burden. Thank goodness my team has been so wonderful to me - I don't know what I would do. Not only my team, but my whole school - staff, admin, paras - everyone has been wonderful - but I still feel like a burden. They tell me not to but that doesn't help because I still do.
Today is Sunday March 30th and I look around my house and I have things to do - what will I get done. It is a toss up because who knows how I will feel. I have been up since 4 doing odd things in the kitchen - was hungry so had some toast and just stayed up.
Speaking of toast - my taste buds are wacky. Some days I have no clue what to eat - oh except for red jello - that seams to work every day and maybe an orange - they help some days. Things don't taste good. We have had some amazing and wonderful dinners - thank you AGW peeps - you have been so so awesome - dinner is something I used to love to do, not so much anymore. Jeff has been great with heating things up and then when I don't want what is in the frig a ham and cheese sub plain from Little Italy has been my go to and he goes up there and gets for me. A treat this week from Maria - lemon meringue cheese cake from Cheesecake Factory - yummy yummy yummy - 4 nights of treats. I am always thirsty and then some days whatever I have is not enough - or if I have too much I get sick. Things that I used to love - not so much anymore.
I really hate missing school - want to be there every day but that doesn't happen. Days I think I am going to be there - I can't get up to go because I didn't sleep the night before, or I have a cold or I hurt. This week I have a bone marrow test - yuck - worse one - hate it. So I am out Wednesday and Thursday - not only do I have to worry about the plans I have to worry about the kids because my room is used for testing so they can't be in my room - the pits, but no one's fault except the Feds and State because of so much damn testing.
My biggest concern - how much of a burden. People say I am not, but to someone who is used to doing for others, having others do so much for me is hard. I don't like special treatment but feel like I get it. I want my life back. I want to be able to do everything I used to but I can't.
I hope after the stem cell transplant in June - I can get back to my life. I want to be myself again.
Everyone in my life has been wonderful - they are there for me. I have a hard time thinking how can I repay all the kindness - I don't know but I am working on a plan.
All the special moments - cards, texts, dinners, emails - everything everyone has done for me - thank you - it helps every day. Some days there are tears of joy because I am loved and some days there are tears of sadness because I feel sorry for myself. I shouldn't - there are others who are so more worse than me. I try every day to see the positive but like I've said some days it is hard.
Say a prayer - smile at someone - it helps.
I think this is a rambling - trying to get things out so I don't keep them bottled up - will try to post more regularly
I thank everyone who is along this journey with me - with your help I know I will get over it - just when I don't know.
