So many things go through my mind and I want to place blame on something - just not sure what.
Is it the disease, is it the medicine, is it just me - wow! where do I start.
The medicines are wrecking havoc on me - whatever the side effects I have the opposite. If it a side effect is energy - I sleep, if a side effect is sleeping - I am awake. The last three days I took the chemo in the morning and fell asleep and was up to all hours of the night.
I close my eyes and I am hallucinate - I am afraid I won't wake up.
This is a process.
Today I was up very early and got myself dressed and went out by myself - a simple trip to Walmart that last 2 1/2 hours - I walked around by myself in solitude and just looked. Of course, I did buy somethings but I was by myself with my own thoughts. One minute I was fine - the next I was in tears.
Then I went to get me some bagels - the one thing that seems to help me and I am able to keep down - came home, ate my bagel and then fell asleep for 3 hours. I'm glad I slept a little but what will that do me tonight. Who knows.
The rest of the day I sat here read my cookbook, read Facebook, played games and sat. I had so many things I wanted to do but nothing got done - there is always tomorrow.
Today was a painful day - I figured out why - my patch needed to be changed - which will help for a few hours - my back already is not hurting and that will last consistently for a bit. More pain meds tonight and maybe some more sleep.
Will keep you posted - follow my journey. I am hoping it brings peace to me and to others.
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