Wow!! It is real and isn't going away...

My life is scheduled for the next month.  This is a good thing.

It has been rough this last week - my emotions have been up and down.  Some days I don't even know where it comes from - but I just cry.  I have been anxious - I have been having anxiety attacks - I don't think I have been very nice to Jeff some times.  I just wanted my life back the way it was.  That isn't going to happen and I am facing it.

I have been off this week from school- to try and get myself on track and be positive for the chemo.  I also want to try and control the pain.   I think it has helped in some ways.  I slept most of this week which means I was tired.  The pain has been bad but I have been wearing my patch and I have been taking the oxicodone more regular which does help.  I just don't like taking it.  I also don't like gaining weight.  I was doing so good before all this happened but the scale keeps going up and I don't like it - not by a lot but it goes up and makes me mad.  Hopefully soon I will be able to feel like walking or excessing just a bit - getting some activity.  Just have to be careful.

I have cabin fever but the weather has been so terrible I haven't been out of the house since Sunday which I think made me stir crazy.

I have had smiles though - some very nice cards that cheer me up lots, some great texts which cheer me up a lot - just the little things are helping me smile.

Yesterday I was anxious all day - I just didn't know what the chemo was going to do to me.  I have heard so many horror stories and I was scared to death what was going to happen.  Sometimes the worse doesn't come true - and to be honest it wasn't too bad today.

Didn't sleep well last night but I think it was for two reasons - I was in pain and had to take meds in the middle of the night and I was anxious about today.

This morning my appointment was at 9:45.  I was up at 6 and at 7 had to eat breakfast and take all the meds - 16 pills this morning - yuck.  Tomorrow it is only 6.  I will be taking meds for the next year every day - some days 16 and some days 6.  One of the meds is 10 pills per day - 1 day per week - high dose steroid and should help with the pain.  Yeah I hope it does.  Got to Dr. Slease's office at 9:40 and then had to go get blookwork done - can you believe I cried simply because I didn't know I had to have bloodworm - thought I forgot and it was my fault but yeah it wasn't me.  All ok  went and had it done.  Then had saline drip for 1/2 hour and then dose of great anti-nausea meds and then infusion of the chemo drug - I'll get that name for you next time.  The infusion was about 1/2 hour - 35 minutes.  Not to bad.  So far the only side effects are some hot flashes and then being cold and being very tired.  Slept for about 3 1/2 hours when I got home.  Not much energy either but that is ok - I just took it easy.

I miss school, I miss my friends and I miss my students.  I really don't like to be out but I thought it was best for me to be out this week and get myself prepared without the hub hub of the holidays.  The hardest part besides missing everyone is making sub plans but I think it went ok.

My schedule is set for the next month - which is great.  Martha has me all set and my schedule is on paper and I know exactly what I have to do each day until February 5th.  Each cycle is 28 days and I have 9-12 cycles to do.  Will be having chemo infusion, seeing doctor, having bloodworm - all of the above or just some - every Wednesday and Thursday for the next 9-12 months.

I am going to try and work on Monday and Tuesday full days, Wednesday and Thursday 1/2 days because my appts are after 11 on those days and Friday will play it by ear.  I have to see how I handle everything and my hope is that I do good - so far based on today it hasn't been to bad and I think I am going to be ok.

The fight is just beginning but today is the first day since November 25th that I feel positive and know that all is going to work out.  I am blessed to have many people in my life who care about me and are supportive of this journey.

Love hearing from everyone - the texts, messages and cards are the best ever and keep me going.  My card board is getting filled and I love it.  A big shout out to Jeff - I know its hard on him but he is doing everything for me.

Thanks everyone for being there for me.

Remember to smile for me and for you !!

What a pretty view I have for my treatments