December 28, 2014 - Trials and Tribulations of Sunday

Sleeping, moods,  medicines, emotions, worrying about my husband....

Let's talk about sleeping - I can sleep but not when normal people do.  It's 3:30 AM on Monday and it is the 4th night that I am messed up.  I don't know why.  I just know I am up.  Is it the medicines, is it that everytime I close my eyes I hallucinate or is it that I am afraid I won't wake up?  What is it - it is all of the above.

Let's talk about moods - I sure have them..  Good, bad, terrible, wonderful - I am a crazy person

Let's talk about medicines - I hate them.  Changing the fentanyl patch - the worse.  The good thing - is it works, the bad thing is when it wears off and I have to change it - I get sick. Dry heaves, pain, dry heaves, pain so I just decide not to put it back on and start over - as Jeff says, not a good idea.  He is right but I don't want him to be.  

Let's talk about emotions - Am I becoming obsessed with this thing called CANCER.  I want to say NO and shout it from the roof but maybe I am.   How can one person have so many emotions in one day and start over the next with the same - it has to work itself out.

Let's talk worrying about my husband..I am no doubt about that.  I love him being here for me and I hate him being here for me - does that make any sense.  I don't know.  This weekend I had to get out of the house by myself because I think I was driving him crazy because I want to show I can do things for myself.  So I go out and do things, I come home and I am exhausted and tired and grumpy.  

Rambling is what I am doing now - trying to get through it all.  I want to stop hurting and I want this all to go away!